I am too ashamed and disgraced, my God, to lift up my face to you, because our sins are higher than our heads and our guilt has reached to the heavens. Ezra 9:6
Most of us day-to-day don't think we have a lot to confess, we don't murder, commit adultery, don't cheat, don't take the Lords name in vain - mostly think we live with integrity and are pretty good people.
But what about worry, control issues, or lack of trust? How many times do I look at my to-do list and think I am in control? Do I focus on that list so much that I overlook opportunities to be a blessing or to let someone else be a blessing to me? Do I rush past that other mama who says she is fine but I can see in her eyes she needs a friend? Do I let my list and calendar control my mind and heart? Or I am allowing God's plan and placement to direct my mind and heart?
I have been trying to daily ask God to use me to the best of my ability but I know lots of my anxiety is based on control issues. Trust me I have anxiety over having anxiety.
Recently as I was driving home in drizzling rain with the kids-tired after a tough, long day and all I wanted was to sit on my couch and hold my babies but a woman crossed in front of me walking with no shoes on. I continued on - focused on heading home - I almost heard an audible TURN AROUND. I wanted to argue, I had my kids, it was raining, I was tired - could have given a thousand reasons to keep going.
But heard Him ask, “Are you in control or am I?” So I turned around pulled in a driveway in her path and rolled down my window. After a few minutes of conversation, it was clear she didn't want nor would wear any shoes I could give or buy her but was touched by the offer. She was shocked that someone even noticed her much less would stop. Now let me explain she was walking down a main drag at 5:15 so lots of traffic. It pains me to think of any of God's children think of themselves as invisible.
I will confess I have let my control and anxiety block out that clear voice. There have been times I would have walked away from that mama holding back tears or left someone looking defeated that could use a hand - it has haunted me a lot more than the thing that wasn't checked off to do list, than the pile of laundry that wasn't folded, than the 20 minute walk I didn't take. Those are the times I am ashamed and disgraced to lift my head to God.
We do have things to confess even if we think we are ‘good people’. Today confess your control issues - and all of us mamas have them whether they have been exasperated by depression, postpartum issues, finances, working or staying at home or the way you grew up or the trying to not be the way you were raised. I am not perfect at it but when I wrestle God for control of my day I might get my list checked off but my soul wasn't touched, I missed blessing someone or letting them bless me.
Wrestling with God makes me very tired, when He wants me instead to be refreshed
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